Hey, Who Is That?

In 2017, a military unit, Alpha Squad, was sent to investigate what appeared to be a meteor crash site in Antarctica. Radio contact was lost 24 hours after mission start and a treacherous snowstorm made extraction impossible for 96 hours. When the extraction team arrived, Alpha Squad were already dead. The following recordings from pilot RJ Campbell provides the only insight we have into what happened on that mission.

6.12.17, 1600-Alpha Squad touched down near the crash site. The team consists of myself, commanding officer Captain Ben Stone, comms expert Trace Hawkins, and two scientists, Kate Lind and Dean Childs. We cleared the distance to the crash site within moments and not one of us could believe what we’d found. It wasn’t a meteor! I hesitate to use the word spaceship, knowing how silly that sounds, but for lack of a better word that’s what it was. Lind and Childs went to work analyzing the structure of the vessel and the rest of us inspected the intricate instrument panels contained within. I caught something out of the corner of my eye and raced outside. There were telltale footprints leading off in the direction of our chopper, but what created them I couldn’t be sure of. I gathered the team and we raced back to the chopper, arriving too late. The instrument panel, the radio, the rotors-everything had been destroyed beyond repair. Nightfall would be upon us soon and we’d be as good as dead exposed as we were. Trace confirmed the location of a small research station only a few klicks from our location that we could seek shelter in. It wouldn’t be hard to find. The footprints continued in the same direction.

6.12.17, 1830-We arrived at the research station. The front door had already been broken in. Stone led the way to the comms room and we discovered what we already knew would be there-the equipment had been sabotaged. Frustrated, I sat down only to immediately jump back up when I heard a low, flatulent sound. I turned to see a whoopie cushion on the chair and Childs laughing in the corner. Where did that asshole get a whoopie cushion?

6.12.17, 2100-The station’s secured, but now Stone’s gone missing. The wind’s kicked up outside, making any kind of immediate search an outright suicide mission. Hopefully it’ll die down at first light so we can look then. Childs keeps making armpit farts despite repeated requests from myself and the rest of the team to stop. It’s not funny. At all.

6.13.17, 0500-Woke to the sounds of screaming. Sat up in bed only to immediately have a pie thrown in my face. One of us is missing, we’re cut off from rescue and he’s throwing pies? What part of our training or protocol calls for this clowning bullshit? And where did he get that goddamn pie?

6.13.17, 0600-Now Trace and the Captain are MIA. It’s down to me, Kate and Childs. Childs screams that he’s found them but when we arrive he merely cries out “April Fool’s!” I tell the asshole it’s the middle of July but he doesn’t seem to care. Seriously, what’s wrong with this guy?

6.13.17, 1100-We found something…something not easily put into words. It was Trace but at the same time it wasn’t. It’s like something else was trying to be Trace. Bullets didn’t do much harm beyond immobilizing it, so we doused it in kerosene and immolated the damn thing. The horror of its dying screams were interrupted by Childs giving Kate a wet willie and his maniacal laughter that immediately followed.

6.13.17, 1600-If that thing can look like us…how do I know that Kate and Childs are still them? I know I’m me…at least I think I still am. I hope I still am.

6.14.17, 0100-Real mature, Childs. A water-squirting bowtie? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

6.14.17, 0300-Stone’s back. No, not Stone. the Stone-Thing. He contaminated the emergency food stores and it looks like he got to Kate. Goddammit. Why couldn’t he have killed Childs instead?

6.14.17, 0330-Found a flamethrower in the comms room. Found Kate-Thing shortly afterwards and dispatched her. Childs just kept telling us Pollock jokes and asking me to pull his finger. Of all the goddamn people to be left alive with in this situation…

6.14.17, 0345-I don’t care if Childs is the only other human left. He just teabagged me while I was investigating Stone-Thing’s blood trail. People are dying and we’re being threatened by a fucking alien and Childs is pulling his sack through his zipper? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

6.14.17, 0415-Killed the Stone-Thing. Lit it up with enough TNT to keep the fires burning for a few more hours. Everyone’s gone now except me and Childs. There’s no hope of a rescue, not in this snowstorm. We’ll just…sit here and wait awhile. I don’t even have the patience to tell Childs I don’t want a “Hurts Donut,” no matter how good it sounds. This is Pilot RJ Campbell, Outpost...420 69? Goddammit.


Dustin is a comedian, writer, and failed musician.