Millennial Ghosts Forced To Donate Ectoplasm To Make Ends Meet.
Researchers from the Afterlife Journal have found that the ghastly apparitions of humans born between the years 1982 and 2002 who perished tragically have a harder time finding traditional haunting work. As a result, these “Millennial” ghosts have had to go to extremes to make due in the cold wasteland of eternal limbo. Tanner Williams is one such ghoul who we were able to speak with. “Yeah, I've been selling my ectoplasm for the last few years. It’s embarrassing sometimes, but you have to do what you have to do. When the motor overheated on my hoverboard causing it to burst into flames and making me wipe out into oncoming traffic, I assumed that entering the cosmic void would be kind of a relief. But here we are.”
Otis “Meat Chops” Walker, a Civil War soldier missing half of his face, weighed in on the young ghosts’ strife. “I just don’t understand why they don’t just get a damn job. Back in my day, you would blow your head to smithereens playing a hilarious cannon-based prank on a ranking officer, watch your spirit fly haphazardly through space and time, and then buckle down and get a good, solid job haunting a graveyard or drafty theater.”
But are haunts truly that easy to come by? Williams had this to say; “Sure, it is easy to tell me just to go haunt a family. I’d love to haunt a family! But come on, people have been dying in hilarious accidents and gruesome murders for thousands of years! The jobs just aren’t there. Have you seen how weird it can get when you have multiple spirits vying for the same job? I’ve seen American Horror Story before I bit the big one, and let me tell you, I’m not trying to make a fucked up ghost-rape-baby. Count me out.” He continued “Besides, we new age ghosts aren’t equipped nearly as well. Sure, we have college degrees, but two, three hundred years ago, guys could walk straight in to a job wearing chains and tattered shirts and shit. I died wearing Apple ear buds. Nobody wants to be haunted by a guy who died listening to Modest Mouse.”
Dave Burkey's high school class voted him "Most Likely To End Up Writing Short Comedic Blurbs For The Internet" in 2006. It haunts him how specific yet accurate they were.