"How About This Weather?"
Local authorities are investigating a string of murders across the Midwest. Des Moines, Iowa police chief Stanley Kronkle believes that the murders may all be related, as every single body has had some variation of the question “How about this weather?” or “Global warming, huh?” carved into their flesh. Whether the murders are the work of one serial killer or dozens of frustrated white collar workers is currently the main point of contention.
The body count has continued to rise as we press further into spring. Kronkle says that the most recent case, the 5th murder in the last two weeks, popped up in an office park on the west side of the city. A custodial worker found the deceased propped hastily behind a potted fern a few short feet from the elevator, the body appearing to have obvious signs of strangulation.
Chief Kronkle issued a statement. “It really is astounding how many of these murders are happening in common areas with seemingly no witnesses. Elevators, water coolers, the bodies are all turning up in the same spots with the same grisly message etched into them. Either we have some sort of phantom on our hands, or people are treating the killer like a protected vigilante doing the Lord’s work. But the law is the law, and if you see something, you need to say something.”
Laura Osweiler, the wife of Jerry Osweiler; the most recent victim, had this to say of her late husband. “Jerry was the nicest man I’ve ever met. He could strike up a conversation about anything with any single person. He could captivate you with the smallest thing, from the weather outside, to the game last night. It’s what I fell in love with, you know? Those deeply empty conversations. Never a dull moment. The world is going to be a much quieter place without him.”
As the storm season approaches, Kronkle advises that people stay vigilant. “Keep your head on a swivel out there. Don’t approach strangers, even if you have a brand new quip about how unseasonably cold it is that you’re certain will brighten their day. Until we get this thing cleared up, it’s best to just shut the fuck up about it.”
Dave Burkey's high school class voted him "Most Likely To End Up Writing Short Comedic Blurbs For The Internet" in 2006. It haunts him how specific yet accurate they were.