Critic Review: A Quiet Place

A Quiet Place is a 2018 thriller written by Jim from The Office and less important people. It is opening in theaters on April 6th but I am here to give you my exclusive opinions on the film right now!

 

Jim and Pam are no longer together, which was a real left turn IMO. They demonstrated how love can endure the harshest storms, but I guess that doesn’t include some sort of apocalypse? I guess it’s an apocalypse. Anyway, Jim is with the Assistant from The Devil Wears Prada, the one who worked really hard but got thrown aside for Anne Hathaway because she had developed an eating disorder. Like, what the fuck is up with that movie that Anne wasn’t concerned for her well-being? She knew she wasn’t eating enough. Be a better friend than Anne Hathaway. The assistant was also in Edge of Tomorrow, but Tom Cruise weirds me out, so I didn’t watch that. She and Jim have two kids and the entire film covers their never-ending struggle to get some goddamn peace and quiet. They learn sign language to communicate and the kids replace Monopoly pieces with weird cloth things that look like something I would make in a kindergarten art class. The real question is why the fuck would they allow their kids to play Monopoly when they want them to be quiet? Monopoly is the single-most rage-inducing game in the world and they are trusting that the human mind can just internalize that anger rather than wigging the fuck out?? Nah. Give the kids Trivial Pursuit or Boggle.

 

So everything kicks off after the Monopoly incident, where the kids have rediscovered their love of making a ton of noise. Jim can’t get a moment in the bathroom without them screaming about who stole whose crayons or whatever the fuck kids scream about. The Assistant-Mom is just trying to have some chill, non-masturbatory tub time when Jim Jr. rips the head off of Assistant Jr.’s favorite stuffed bunny. The monsters in this movie are real, folks. How will Jim and Assistant handle the sudden change in their environment? Will they ever bang again? Will Jim go back to banging Pam? Will they switch back to using normal Monopoly pieces or just burn the board like some sort of cursed Ouija portal from hell? You’ll have to see for yourself in this heart-pounding, anxiety-riddled romp where at any moment your joy could be taken away by the sticky hands of a two year old.

 

2 / 5 stars, mostly because kids give me a headache

21230904_1510046455721924_7208204531988563376_n.jpg

Jackie Shreves is a very angry person who you can frequently find on Whiskey Bear's Pop Culture Mixtape and character roasts. She likes being able to combine her loves of comedy, cosplay, and nerd crap in her sets. Yes, she is the perfect woman. No, you cannot date her.