The Waiter Brought My Date The Wrong Sandwich And I Am A Coward

The waiter brought my date the wrong sandwich and I am a coward.

This is a fucking nightmare.

I was totally prepared to blow this girl’s socks off with this night out. Everybody's been talking about how good the food is at the new neighborhood gastropub. So I was definitely gonna wow her by taking her to Brick Dog for our first date. A sit down like this on date number one? Who even does that? Me, goddammit! I’m trendy as shit! I read up on all the hot new places on my city’s underground blog!

I also have crippling social anxiety.

Everything was going swimmingly for a while. I Googled “best ice-breaker jokes” and had a couple hot ones in my pocket. God, who even thinks of these things? She ordered a beer and I was sure to tell her what a great choice it was, but I didn’t really know, LOL, I’m not much of a beer guy! Then she put in her order. The fucking Portobello and red pepper with swiss and aioli on a toasted brioche bun that ruined everything.

Our appetizers came out and that was fine. I nervously ate most of the breaded deep fried green bean zingers like a guy who was way too high convincing himself if he just keeps eating these nobody will notice how high he is. The bros next to us kept bumping her and spilling beer at our feet. We both TOTALLY AGREED it wasn’t worth saying anything.

And then our waiter put in front of her a goddamn BUFFALO CHICKEN SANDWICH?! I immediately saw the glint in her eye; the expectation for me to step up to the plate and tell that motherfucker to right his wrong. So I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Nine times in the next five minutes. Oddly, each of those times I just never happened to see our waiter. He must be really busy. Why am I peeing so much? I'm diabetic. And have a coke problem. All of this is better than the truth. I am a coward and hey, you just want to trade plates? No? So do you want to do this again somet…. Okay bye!

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Dave Burkey's high school class voted him "Most Likely To End Up Writing Short Comedic Blurbs For The Internet" in 2006. It haunts him how specific yet accurate they were.