Trouble In Adventure Bay
A harrowing story of police brutality has come to us from the small coastal town of Adventure Bay. A group of protesters gathered around the noon hour on Monday at Adventure Bay’s city hall to picket for the removal of the sitting mayor, Mayor Goodway, over allegations that she had been funneling city resources into an illegal cock fighting ring.
The peaceful protest turned ugly as pro-Goodway demonstrators, believed to be members of ANTIFA, clashed with the others on the steps of the capital building. The situation became dire as members of the community’s Do-It-All task force, The Paw Patrol, arrived on the scene.
Officer Chase, a genetically modified German Shepherd police dog, was the first responder. Upon assessing the grisly display of violence from the townspeople, Chase broke into a panic as he had never been tasked to solve a problem that was not mind-numbingly mundane in nature. He had previously been awarded three Medals of Valor for rescuing sea turtles from haphazard situations on multiple occasions.
Despite being hard-wired into a technologically advanced police cruiser equipped with multiple bull-horns made to assist in dispersing a crowd, Officer Chase let loose several shots from his trusty net-gun into the sea of unruly protesters. He then readied the cruiser’s tennis ball cannon and began recklessly firing into the masses, while some witnesses said that he had visible tears streaming from his eyes. As he fired fuzzy rubber balls into the crowd, indiscriminate of man, woman, or child, the next members of the group arrived.
Ryder the human, pre-pubescent leader of the entire city’s defense force, pulled up on an ATV alongside Marshall, the Dalmatian Fire Chief. Using the judgment reserved only for a dog given the ability to speak and use heavy machinery, Marshall began spraying the rallying crowd with his high-powered fire hose as Ryder pleaded with his canine workforce to cease their fire. Witnesses stated that the initial blast from the hose knocked an elderly woman through the entryway window of Porter’s Grocery, which was subsequently razed and burnt to the ground amid the chaos. A spokesman from the local hospital reported at least 37 were injured in the ordeal, with one confirmed fatality.
Oliver Porter, the owner of the ransacked grocery store had this to say, “I think it really begs the question “Are the Paw Patrol actually good for the people?” We’re supposed to feel safe when we see the Paw Patrol on the streets, but who’s to say who can handle all that responsibility? Maybe you’re comfortable giving just any mutant dog off the street a badge and a gun and a heavy duty hydraulic drilling rig to drive, but I think we need to hold them to a higher standard.”
We contacted Ryder to see if there would be any disciplinary action. He said that the Pups would be placed under suspension without treats indefinitely.
Dave Burkey's high school class voted him "Most Likely To End Up Writing Short Comedic Blurbs For The Internet" in 2006. It haunts him how specific yet accurate they were.