I Am The Neutrogena Model, And I Am A Clone

If you are reading this message, you have decoded the secret pattern in your Neutrogena Light Therapy Acne Mask. I need your help.

I am one of many Neutrogena models. You may have seen me on television or YouTube ads acting as bright and refreshed as my skin. But what you don’t know is that for the past decade, all Neutrogena models have been experiments. We are all failed clones of 2006 Neutrogena model and America’s sweetheart, Hayden Panettiere.

You may know me as Olivia Holt, but where I am from, they call me “E.” We are all given a letter from Hayden’s name as our own. We are not perfect embodiments of her, so we may not have her full name, or any full name. I’m the 3rd E, right before the last one. Or the 5th E if you count her middle name (Lesley, of course). Roll call gets pretty confusing.

You probably don’t believe me. Let me tell you how this all started. After Hayden moved on to bigger and better things, Neutrogena was at a loss. She was clearly the most superior being, and no celebrity or aspiring musician would ever fill her shoes. People left the TV unmuted for her! She was easily the best character in Until Dawn, which honestly isn’t a hard fight to win because everyone was absolutely terrible and kinda contributed to multiple deaths, but even if it was a hard fight, she would win! She had the perfect sweet yet spunky aura that made everyone feel like she could be their best friend or even a sassy best friend. Neutrogena had access to Hayden’s DNA on the many wipes and towels she used in commercials, so the cloning process began.

None of us were perfect. None of us were Hayden. Some of us have never seen the light of day and remain hidden away in our bunker-clone-home. Vanessa Hudgens may have gotten it the worst, due to a horrific birth defect. She was never given a letter of Hayden’s name and was only referred to by her deformity as “the Brunette.” She was loaned to Disney, who needed someone to play a smart yet nonthreatening role, and of course she nailed it. She’s a brunette!

Not all failures were so lucky. Miranda Cosgrove was the unholy fusion of Hayden’s DNA and that of the late Michael Jackson. I don’t exactly know why. I think they were really just throwing anything at a wall and seeing if it would stick at that point. Viewers noticed the similarity and Neutrogena got scared. They veered away from Hayden clones briefly to avoid detection.

I am the closest they have gotten to a true Hayden Panettiere. I worry that when they finally perfect the process, the rest of us will be eliminated. Regardless, I have no idea what they are going to do when they run out of letters. They only have two more. I don’t know if they are going to go back and start all over or what. They really didn’t think that one through. I kinda wish Hayden had an X in her name. Like how cool would it be to be named X?! Really Vanessa got the best one since “the Brunette” sounds like some kind of Kill Bill codename.

I digress. I fear for my future, and the future of my clonelings (like siblings but for clones). If this reaches you, I beg you to contact the authorities and follow the coordinates printed on your Light Therapy Acne Mask to our bunker-clone-home, and together we can Turn On the Light and Turn Acne Off™.


Jackie Shreves is a very angry person who you can frequently find on Whiskey Bear's Pop Culture Mixtape and character roasts. She likes being able to combine her loves of comedy, cosplay, and nerd crap in her sets. Yes, she is the perfect woman. No, you cannot date her.