Yelp! Review: Cafe Rio

1 star.png

Since having my son, Rio, time for a nice romantic dinner date with my wife has been scarce. So, when we actually do get the chance to go out, we like to make the most of it. Our son, albeit only two years old, recommended a restaurant that he had heard good things about named “Cafe Rio.”


One of the only bright spots in this experience was that the location was convenient, as Cafe Rio is situated in a quaint corner of my son’s toy room. The ambiance was somehow simultaneously adorable, yet that of a dive bar. There appeared to be what looked like a dog eating a soiled diaper just outside the entryway with some scattered plush stuffed animals lying about. In any case, it was lacking in the typical romance department compared to restaurants I am accustomed to spending too much money in before trying to convince my wife to fuck in the car before we have to get back to the babysitter.


The service was the worst I have ever had in my life. Our waiter approached the table and before I even had a chance to speak, shoved a large piece of wooden cheese into my mouth. Once he finally stopped creepily saying the word “yummy” to me repeatedly, I tried to order off the menu, to which he only replied “NO!” before disappearing back into the kitchen.


It was at this point that I noticed that in this horrendously understaffed restaurant, our server was also playing the role of the chef. No less than 30 health code violations racked up instantly as I watched him take his shirt off to begin cooking over an open flame while drinking milk that spilled down his chest onto his pot-belly. He screamed at the dog that was previously eating human feces as he violently shook a stainless steel pot containing a whole chicken drumstick and an ice cream cone, which I believe is a French dish not on the menu. Clearly unhappy with the dish, he slammed it on the ground and again screamed at the dog to “go away!”


After waiting at my table for nearly 20 minutes, the chef returned and again shoved an unwelcome piece of buttered toast into my mouth while telling me to “EAT IT! EAT IT!” Frustrated, my wife asked if there was any way that he could bring her food. He told her “No, you do it!” And at this point I had had enough. Cafe Rio is an absolute shit-hole run by a lunatic. Whoever raised that monster should be ashamed of themselves. Would not recommend to my worst enemy.


Dave Burkey's high school class voted him "Most Likely To End Up Writing Short Comedic Blurbs For The Internet" in 2006. It haunts him how specific yet accurate they were.