IKEA Now Hiring Seasonal Minotaurs
IKEA, the Swedish home goods store best known for its inexpensive furniture,
delightful food court experience, and intricate maze-like serpentine store layout, is looking for young self-starters for an exciting new position, Seasonal Minotaurs!
With large crowds and inviting showrooms tucked away throughout the store like inter-dimensional caverns of no return, employees have complained of the large numbers of guests who continue to wander aimlessly throughout the store’s halls long after close. “I’ve seen many a man lose his mind in the store,” said Michael Fern, an IKEA employee.
“One in particular, I’ll never forget. He came in, excited at the prospect of our new HAVVKLEK TV stand for under $100. It was a hell of a deal, honestly. Anyway, I clocked in about a week later, and noticed he was still here. His eyes were sunken, his facial hair had come in, and he just looked pretty rough. I asked him if he was okay and he just said he was lost and alone. He was separated from his family in kitchen goods and believed them to be dead now. I wrapped a
VINTER fur throw blanket around him and just let him cry on my shoulder. Fucked up, man.”
I decided to interview shoppers to see if they had similar experiences. Carol Underwood was one of them. “I initially came to the store for their grand opening. I was very excited because
previously, the closest IKEA was over 200 miles away. That was 26 years ago. At least in your
time, that is. They won’t tell you this publicly, but time moves differently here. A year outside is
merely days in IKEA time.” So, why doesn't she just leave, we asked? “I was sixty-two years
old when I walked in on that fateful day. I am afraid that if I re-entered the real world, I would
surely die instantly.”
To remedy this problem, the IKEA corporate brass has decided to begin hiring a new seasonal
position for experienced Minotaurs. With the holiday season looming and increased foot traffic
into the seemingly endless hellscape that is the black hole of time and space created by a winding road of end tables, a supernatural human wrangler with a thirst for the blood of man seemed like the right move. “At the end of the day, we can’t have people roaming the halls after hours. It’s a liability and it puts a lot of extra stress on our staff. We are hoping that this decision helps to alleviate some of that,” said Erick Weiss, IKEA Chief Operating Officer.
If you are a horrific abomination wrought from the forbidden love of a human woman and a bull
sent as a gift from the gods, and have at least two years of retail experience, you are encouraged to apply online!
Dave Burkey's high school class voted him "Most Likely To End Up Writing Short Comedic Blurbs For The Internet" in 2006. It haunts him how specific yet accurate they were.