Mark Zuckerberg Will Not Stop Trying To Purchase My Son

For the past eight months, in a desperate attempt to counteract his embarrassing public persona as someone who seems to be human, but may also be a robot, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has relentlessly private messaged me asking to purchase my two year old son. And by far the strangest part of these interactions is that he has yet to actually offer me anything of real monetary value. In each interaction, he has simply bartered for my son by offering me knowledge of how “The Algorithm” works. He told me that this is “true power, greater than any sum of money.” 

All-encompassing power did sound rather enticing to a nearly thirty, rapidly balding man with a dead-end job like myself, so I decided to dig a little bit deeper. I asked Zuckerberg for a taste. As it would turn out, the unyielding power of the algorithm was real indeed. At the tip of my fingers, I held the ability to fucking BURY annoying Karen from human resources’ event for her red-headed little shit of a son’s 9th birthday party at CiCi’s Pizza. It was intoxicating. But was it worth giving up my first-born child?

I feared that it was not. All of the likes and laugh reactions in the world couldn’t replace what I had. But Zuckerberg would not have it. I contacted the local police and that is when I saw the imposing reach of the Facebook empire’s arm. The local police chief brushed off my claims instantaneously. Zuckerberg must have known I’d take this action and he sponsored the precinct’s slow-pitch softball team. He went all out. Louisville Slugger Super-Z 1000’s for every player on the team AND jerseys with cool nicknames on the back. They were deep in his pocket. 

So now, I come to you, people of the internet. I fear that this post, too, shall be engulfed under a barrage of Wish! app advertisements before it can even see the light of day. But I beg of you, do not let Mark Zuckerberg in. He will persist until he has a child that The Algorithm has deemed worthy. If you answer his call, he will not stop. Zuckerberg can't be bargained with, he can't be reasoned with, he doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear, and he absolutely will not stop. Ever.


Dave Burkey's high school class voted him "Most Likely To End Up Writing Short Comedic Blurbs For The Internet" in 2006. It haunts him how specific yet accurate they were.