Avengers: Infinity War Leaked Script!

EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK - DAY

THANOS stands against our heroes, looking smaller than we portrayed him in other movies but that doesn’t matter. CAPTAIN AMERICA steps forward.

 

CAPTAIN AMERICA

You will not win, Thanos, or my name isn’t Captain America, the guy who everyone loves despite me spending Civil War advocating that those with extreme power should not be held accountable for their actions and screwing a lot of people over for my own personal desires. I am very popular!

 

BLACK WIDOW/ANT-MAN/OKOYE/SHURI/DR. STRANGE/DRAX/HAWKEYE/IRON-MAN/SCARLET WITCH/SPIDERMAN/HULK/THOR/GAMORA/ VISION/PEPPER POTTS/ROCKET RACCOON/STAR-LORD/LOKI/BLACK PANTHER/GROOT/MANTIS/BUCKY BARNES

We are also here!

 

We see STAN LEE, dressed as a cowboy, eating a Mickey Mouse™ shaped ice cream.

 

STAN LEE

This is the appropriate number of protagonists to have in a movie.

 

THANOS

If I can kill one of you, I will let the rest live!

 

BLACK WIDOW

I cannot bear children, so I am a useless monster! Kill me!

 

THANOS beheads BLACK WIDOW.

 

ALL HEROES

No!!

 

BLACK WIDOW’S HEAD

My womb!!

 

THANOS

I lied!! I will kill everyone!!

 

SCARLET WITCH

You’re in big trouble, mister!

 

BUCKY BARNES

I, Tonya.


 

THANOS

(to camera)

It is time to start the INFINITY WAR!!

 

The next fifteen minutes are in slow motion. Things blow up. Nothing really happens to advance the plot but you can tell we spent a lot of money on it. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! plays.

 

VISION

I just had a VISION! We cannot defeat him! We need more money from the box office!

 

GROOT drinks a Coke™.

 

VISION

Quick, we must have an emotional moment to fill the time!

 

ALL HEROES

I have daddy issues!!

 

THANOS

I AM THE DADDY.

 

BLACKOUT.

 

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Jackie Shreves is a very angry person who you can frequently find on Whiskey Bear's Pop Culture Mixtape and character roasts. She likes being able to combine her loves of comedy, cosplay, and nerd crap in her sets. Yes, she is the perfect woman. No, you cannot date her.